UP LATE LAST NIGHT..Not a DREAM?

I remember right where I was when I received the phone call... I was sitting on my bed playing with my two youngest babies in my 1000 square foot house. It was September 15, 2006. It was a phone call I almost expected but DEFINITELY did not feel ready for. I didn't recognize the number but I recognized the anxiety in her voice right away, it was Myahs birth mother "L". She skated around the subject a couple minutes-she's not much of a talker. I too became anxious because "I KNEW!" I knew she was pregnant again and I wasn't ready yet!!! I immediately told her "I know why you are calling." .....SILENCE..... "You do?" "You are pregnant aren't you?" I said "How did you know?" she said "I just did." I said. Her next words are ingrained in my brain..."So, are you ready for #7?" she said. I was speechless. I mean come on, I had a 16 year old "challenging" teen, a 5 & 7 yr old AND a 2 yr old and 2 that weren't even walking yet. I had just started sleeping through the night for heaven's sakes! God, "are you serious?"

Nick and I went through a very rough time when Caty and Wyatt were newborns and Myah was 8 months old, I TRULY do not remember the first 4 months of their lives, it is all a blur. We basically had 3 big kids an 8 month old and twins-it was the most exhausting, frustrating, lonely and rewarding time of our lives. We were extremely sleep deprived and Nick being gone 7 full days at a time, I would just literally COLLAPSE when he got home. He would sleep on the couch with 2 bassinets next to him and let me sleep in the bed the first night so I could just catch up on my sleep then the next 5 nights he was at home we would alternate-one would sleep in the bedroom with 2 babies, the other on the couch with one that way we both wouldn't have to get up each time the babes woke, just when our "assigned" babe woke. We were no "JON & KATE +8" with people doing our laundry, cooking, helping feed babies etc. WE RAN OUR OWN SHOW-We never had any help! I tried to find people to help but never was successful-even tried to hire someone to "just feed a baby" so I could shower or do housework, never happened. This time not only bonded us closer together but bonded us closer with our heavenly father.

This was ALL running through my mind after I spoke to "L". "How can I emotionally, physically, mentally handle ANOTHER BABY?" Like I said before I did eventually expect this but definitely did not feel ready.

We took her to her OB appointment the next week (get out your kleenex Beth, it gets rough). First off, we picked her up at what looked like an abandoned house. 2nd off-she was definitely either super high on meth or hadn't had it in a bit and was "trippin." She got in the truck and had a very foul odor. (very common in meth users) It was difficult to breathe and also to see her so thin. She could not sit still, fidgeting constantly and shaking.

We asked her where she wanted to eat, she chose pizza so we headed to the pizza place. She was wobbly and shaky. We all got our food. It was sad and VERY difficult to eat with her #1 because of the smell, #2 because she could not even get the fork to her mouth-her body was just shaking and jerking uncontrollably. This was very difficult to watch knowing my precious baby was inside this body. If she was shaking, trembling and couldn't sit still, what was my baby feeling and going through in there? I just kept praying for God to wrap his arms of protection around my little baby in there.

We got to the clinic. She was so paranoid, she could not stay in the waiting room (for those of you who don't know, long time meth users eventually become paranoid schizophrenics) Nick offered to wait inside while I calmed her down outside while she smoked a cigarette. She carries knives on her constantly as she is in fear of EVERYONE! We chatted and eventually he motioned through the window that they called her name. Nick stayed in the waiting room and she asked me to come in the room with her. It was a sad scene as they asked her about her history. First she talked about the other 5 babies she had and had either lost custody of or given up for adoption. I heard her tell of physical and sexual abuse as long as she can remember-hatred , neglect and substance abuse from her parents. I cried with her as she talked about being hurt as a little girl. It broke my heart. It was at this point that I realized the majority of her life she had never been shown or felt loved.

Next it was time to draw her blood for "routine labwork" NOTHING, I MEAN NOTHING prepared me for this. She told me she had a fear of needles (she smokes/snorts meth-no shooting up) but oh Lord, it was so sad to see her on that table rocking back and forth crying and saying "no, no, no" just like a little child was almost unbearable for me. I stayed with her in that little room for over an hour while she had a major panic attack. They never did get the blood. The needle went in twice and she was just moving too much. It was at this point after much screaming that they asked us if we could take her to a mental health facility down the road-they thought and could see as we could that she was in a serious state of panic, depression, anxiety and just emotionally distraught. We were thinking "we are not her parents" "we aren't responsible for her" "we have 5 kids at home with a babysitter and we're an hour from home".... but we took her. Once they saw her walk through that door, there was no waiting-they took her in on an emergency basis right to a therapist-I went in with her, filled out all her paperwork and wanted theyto admit her to the psych ward immediately. She refused and walked out.

We were not BLOOD relatives so therefore there was nothing else we could do. Nick talked to her in a very calming way and we dropped her at her friends house.

The reason for this post is that I wanted to share with you the grips that the drug I call "THE DEVIL DRUG" METH has on people, they love it more than themselves or their chilren, that is all they can think about. They don't want to be that way, they are addicts, they can't help it.

Also, I had a dream about this last night-more like a nightmare-the night mare that baby Jett lived in her body all that time and we had NO CONTROL over our own son! Just remembering her and worrying about her and checking on her for 4 months knowing our little boy was inside that drug filled body was very difficult for us to bear. I just had to get it out. God has been so gracious in protecting our babies from physical defects, the long term mental side, we won't know for a while.

As I got up this morning to read my Bible and write in my prayer journal, I looked back to the day I found out "L" was expecting and this is what I wrote........

9/15/06

"L"-pregnant-Lord ease my mind & confusion-give me peace! Thank you for our home & the loan so we can add on-what a blessing-you saw ourneeds & met them-Praise You!
Quiet my soul Lord, give me peace. Protect that baby. I pray for answers & calmness. I want to obey you-Lead me LORD!

Psalms 139:23
"Search me, oh God, & know my heart;test me & know my anxious thoughts"

Psalms 139:10
"even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Tears stream down my face as I write this post. I was waiting for God to give me a sign that we were suppose to take baby Jett and I think I found it this morning when he showed me my prayer journal from 9/15/06. What do you think?